Reason

I don't really want to write today. I'm tired, and I'm not in a good mood, and no, it's not just the weather again. In part it's people, in part it's myself, in part it's just life in general. But that's pretty reasonable and rather average for me by now. The thing is, I can't say most of what's bothering me. What's maybe worse is that I can't really even write it.

I think that, unintentionally, that actually applies in two rather separate senses. The first of those is that I want to say something or write something about what's on my mind, and I do...but can't because of the reactions it may cause and consequences it may bring about for myself and others. The other possible sense is that I don't completely know what's getting to me this much, and can't even begin to try and express it. I meant it primarily in the former sense, but interestingly enough, the latter applies a bit, too.

So now comes the question that I've been asking myself on and off for...a rather long while now: do I not say things because I am afraid of hurting others or because I do not want to hurt myself? Inevitably, it is both. But what is it primarily? I'd love to believe that it's a matter of not hurting others...but I don't know that for a fact. And then again, it comes back to the fact that I'm hurting myself by not saying any of it.

I shouldn't keep emotions bottled up--I know, I've been told this many, many times. But I still do it, partially because some things are just better for people not to know (whether for their sake or for mine), and really...I know that nobody wants to hear the least bit of dissatisfaction that comes out of my mouth.

Alright, I'll be honest here...with myself and with this blog: what is currently bothering me most is not something difficult to admit to, nor implausible, nor threatening to me, and the reason that I'm not saying it isn't because I feel bad about complaining. But the fact of the matter is that I'm not saying it. I'm not letting myself say it. Because it would mess things up in my life and the lives of those around me, and would cause many, many positive things to disintegrate and countless negative ones to build up in exchange.

So, no. It's not the weather. It's not the fact that I have completely messed up my life in the past year. Yes, that bothers me too...but not so much right now as something else. I'm sorry that I can't say it, but as much as I want to, I know that it would be a bad idea. I guess it's just another one of those dark secrets that we all have floating around. Ironically enough, it's one of the few secrets that I keep that's actually about myself...