Habit

It doesn't work anymore. I can't do it like this. I don't want to have to say it, I don't want to realize it, I don't want it to hurt as much as it does. But the fact of the matter is, it's fallen apart. And the worst part is, I think it's my fault. I feel terrible for it, I wish it was different. But it isn't. At this point, I don't think I can change it back anymore, either. I'm left standing here, hoping that I didn't mess it up too badly.

I know I did though. I didn't mean to, I didn't try to, and I sure as hell didn't want to. It's the last thing I wanted to do--mess it up. In the end though, that's exactly what I did. I'm bad at this, bad at hiding the truth to such matters, bad at pretending that I don't care. I try to not let on how much things affect me, how emotional I am, but in the end, I can't hide it. I can't hide my weaknesses and my flaws.

And it's those very same weaknesses, those bitter emotions that have gone and ruined yet another good thing for me. It's not the same as it was. It will never be the same. It's fallen apart, and I have broken. Here I am, watching the world crumble around me, looking at the shards of friendship scattered beneath my feet.

I realize now that it's not really a friendship anymore so much as a habit. It's too complicated to just be a friendship at this point. Too much has happened, too much has come in the way. And I'm too emotional to just let it go, to deal with the inevitable, to avoid being hurt by things that no longer hold true. I'm trying to let myself move forward from what once was. I'm working to get past the foolishness.

But too much has happened, and we know it. We know it altogether way too damn well. I don't want to have realized it, I don't want to think about it, I want to accept it and move on. But I can't. For some godforsaken reason, I'm completely incapable of leaving things in the past and letting emotions lie.

There's nothing I can say to fix it. There's too much between us for this to work as a friendship anymore. And I'm still trying, and I'm going to continue trying...because it means too much to me to just let it go. I'm too lost in hope and faded dreams to just abandon everything. I care. I care more than I should. I care too much. I sure as hell wish I didn't. But it is what it is. So help me god.