Pieces

I am broken. I am in pieces. There is nothing left of me that once was. I've lost all courage, confidence, hope, self-respect, self-worth, reason, understanding, desire, everything and anything that I once had. It's all gone. It means nothing. Because too much has happened for me to have not ended up here as I am right now.

I've gotten used to being used, abused, tossed around, and abandoned. Which is the only reason that I still let people do it to me. People say that I deserve better. And not only do I no longer believe them, but I also don't honestly think that I do. I haven't been anything other than an object to anyone in a while, I haven't believed any compliment anyone has given me in longer than I care to keep track of.

I don't believe it anymore. I've been hurt too many times. Everything half-decent has become too good to be true for me. And here I am, getting hurt again. Oh god knows I'm getting hurt. Because right now, I'm hanging off a cliff, looking around me pretending that the chasm below my feet isn't there, pretending that I'm not going to hit the ground and shatter again.

But I can only pretend for so long. I can only keep lying to myself for a short period of time. And that period is rapidly coming to an end. I feel myself losing my grip on reality, know that in a short space of time, I'm going to let go and crash.

I can't stop that crash anymore. I can't not let it happen. It's absolutely impossible. I'm going to fall, I'm going to break, I'm going to lose it all. I knowingly got here, and I have no choice as far as how this is all going to end. I know how it will end. It will end in pain and agony, it will end in torturous hell, no matter what event leads to that...it's a given, it's set in stone, there is absolutely no changing it.

I know how I got here. I knew what I was getting myself into in the first place. That doesn't make it any prettier, though. That doesn't make the pain go away or the issues resolve themselves. What's maybe worse is that either way I'd be hurt. Either way, I'd be broken, shattered, crushed. For one reason or another, I'd be in pain either way, and I knew that and still do.

So I'll take it and deal. Fine. I said I knew what I was getting into, so now I get to deal with the consequences of it all. It doesn't make it any less of a mess, it doesn't mean that I think any more highly of myself; it merely means that I'm going to suck it up and not be a burden on everyone around me because of the problems I got myself into. The end.