I'm Sorry

In all honesty, I had a distinct phrase in mind. I was going to say something specific. I wanted those to be the only words out of my mouth. I wanted to say,

If I had a single shred of self-respect left, I would have given you an ultimatum a hell of a long time ago.

But things didn't go as planned. It didn't work out the way it should have. And I sure as hell didn't say those words. As it turns out, that's the first time that phrase is leaving my mind in the form of words of any sort, be they spoken or written.

I didn't say them not because they weren't true...perhaps they were, or still are. I realized though, that that's far from the only reason I haven't given an ultimatum. And I understand now that for a number of reasons, I'm not going to. But what happened in that space of time when I didn't say that phrase, that is precisely what I'm not going to forgive myself for.

I can't forgive myself for it because I walked away when I should have moved closer. I cut off communication when I should have sought it further. And I know just how much of a mistake all of that was. I almost wish I didn't, except I know that not to be the case. I know I can't undo it, can't fix what I have done. I know I can't make everything go away. So I guess now I just have to live with my mistakes.

So I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I did and for what I didn't do. I'm sorry for messing up...again. I'm sorry for not being there when I needed to be. I'm sorry for being me, for messing up, for ruining things, as I consistently manage to do. I'm sorry. That's all I can say to half-express my thought process right now.