Worse

What hurts the most probably...is caring.

It hurts to care so much, to be so attached to something and so involved with it that it has a personal effect. It's really one of the worst feelings in the world maybe, caring is. And it shouldn't be. Caring is...one of those things that's supposed to give you a warm, fuzzy feeling. Or some such nonsense.

But in the end, it really doesn't. It just leads to anxiety, nerves, stress, overarching emotions, and general confusion. And this is one of those times when I wish I could just stop caring, just make it all go away. I want to forget. I don't want to care. I don't want anything to affect me this much, I don't want it to be able to tear me to shreds like this.

Yet that's exactly what's happening right now. The caring, the emotions, the attachment...it's all dragging me down into yet another pit of personal hell. I desperately want it to stop, but I'm afraid to cut off the ties. Nor do I want to, frankly. But I just want the hell to go away. I want the searing headaches and the agony to leave me be and let me go my peaceful way.

It's not happening. Caring, the seemingly gentle creature that caresses the soul, will not let me out of its cruel grasp. It is not heartless, merely bitter, bitter enough to send me into agony and dread. I don't know how much longer I can keep caring. I have no idea how well I'm going to be able to deal with this anymore.

But the thing is that I still care. And I'm not going to let myself stop caring merely because it hurts so much. I'm just hoping I can sustain myself long enough to not completely fall apart...for all the sense that does or doesn't make.