Tears

Come in.
Lock door.
Sit down.

Burst into tears.

That wasn't planned. Then again, is it ever?
I don't know why. I don't think I want to.

Nothing is inherently wrong.
Nothing is terribly broken in my life.
Nothing is overly amiss.

So why am I still here?
Why did I collapse into a broken heap?
Why can I not breathe without sobbing?
Why have I lost the ability to smile?

It's not that I don't care.
But at the same time, I really don't.
I've given up, and I don't know why.
I've fallen into depression, yet again.

And I can't get out.

What the hell happened?
Why doesn't it work anymore?

I'm not just tired.
I wish I was.
But I'm not.
I'm lost.

I wish I could find a reason.
I wish there was some way to make sense of it.
But it's not even rational.
So few things ever are.
And yet...

How much I wouldn't give to understand this...

Something is amiss.
I have absolutely no idea what.
But it is pervading every crevice of my life.
It is suffocating every possible thought of my mind.

I can't think.
I can't breathe.
I can't live like this.

What the hell am I supposed to do?
How am I supposed to get past this?

I don't want another three months of hell.
As if I haven't had enough of it yet.

It makes no sense.
How am I supposed to fix it when I don't know what's wrong?
What am I to do with whatever is happening?
And something needs to change.

I need to stop messing everything up.
I need to stop being a burden to those around me.
I need to stop falling apart.
I need to stop.

This isn't over.
I'm not done.
But what more can I say?

How can I explain when I don't know?
What can I say when I am this numb?

I don't know.