Reasons

I don't know. I don't know why I do one thing and why I don't do another. I have no idea why I say the words I do or make the decisions I do most of the time. I just do it. There may be no rational thought process behind it, there may be absolutely no reason for me to do or not do any of it. That doesn't stop me from doing or not doing any of it, though.

I don't know what my reasons for any of it are. I have no idea why I say yes to one thing and no to another. I can't begin to fathom why I feel as I do about certain matters, or why I care about one thing and not another. All I know is that for some reason, and most often it's one I'm not aware of, I make the decisions I do.

I guess it's one of those things that maybe you could call instinct. Or maybe it's some form of self-preservation. Although considering some of the things I do, that doesn't really make any sense. But that might actually be the result of my abandoning this notion of and desire for self-preservation.

A while ago now, I hit a certain point in my life where I realized that none of it really meant anything. That's slowly led me to a largely existentialist approach to life where I take what I have and try to really make the most of it, realizing that it has no overarching consequences on the rest of the world after my death.

Why, considering that mindset, I still care about some of the things I do, I really have no idea. It's irrational. Then again, what about this concept of life isn't? All of it is rather absurd and nonsensical. It doesn't mean anything, yet the natural human tendency is to endeavor to find some form of meaning in this existence we lead.

And that's a large part of what leads to this confusion concerning reasons and motivations. Because when everything else about life makes absolutely no sense, how can we expect any of our reasoning or our actions to do so? What does it really even mean to make sense? Is it a question of rationality? Well what defines rationality then? How can we really know what does or doesn't make sense, what does or doesn't work?

In the end, we can't. Not all of our actions can be justified by rational thought processes, or explained through simple rationalizations. Human thought is not that simple, nor can it be entirely considered to be rational, logical, or the least bit efficient. It doesn't get us what we want, nor does it make any sense.

And sometimes, sometimes we just have to suck it up and deal, get used to things not working, and let it all go despite the fact that we really don't have any chance of making anything work.