Insomnia

I want to write. It is 1:24 AM at the time I start writing this, and I am not tired. Or rather, I am quite tired, but don't want to sleep, or feel like I can't sleep, or something of that sort. And this coming from me, the one who is absolutely incapable of sleeping in...that's not good.

So now I just have to figure out what to write. Unfortunately, that's easier said than done. And when I'm hoping to write something that will help me fall asleep, this becomes more than a little bit problematic. I don't want to try guessing at what's keeping me up though, because I have enough ideas about that as it is.

Maybe it would be nice to actually sort out my thoughts, neatly, cleanly just write them out, put them down on paper (or anywhere other than my mind, really) and start drawing lines, connecting them, making some amount of sense of the ideas floating around in my head. But partially that seems like it would involve too much effort, and partially, I'm not too keen on figuring out just what that would result in.

I've got enough work to do, but I don't really want to do it. If I'm still not falling asleep, I might end up doing a bit of it in the next couple of hours...or I might not. With these things, you never know. Either way, here I am right now, tapping away, not minding what I say, just letting the thoughts flow from my head, down through my fingers, and onto the screen.

So maybe if I've already started writing, I should at least say something useful. That's a good idea, right? Well, I need to do something more fun or exciting with my life. I mean, most of my entertainment comes from the lives of people around me, and my own life seems to just be drowning in a mire of boredom and work right now. How do I change that? I get out and do something. Which I have actually been making a conscious effort toward lately. And I think that's good. While it doesn't fix everything, it at least helps me out a little bit, makes things just a tad bit easier to bear.

The real things that bother me can't be fixed with distractions or with action, though. Perhaps what makes them worse is that there is nothing I can do, short of ruining not only my own life, but the lives of others as well. Although in some cases, I have to wonder if those lives aren't already quite far gone.

I'm just relying on the fact that it will pass with time, that something will eventually happen. Right now, I can't act without making things worse than they already are, no matter how hard I try. So I'm not going to let myself make that mistake. I guess I'll just curl up and think a bit, and hopefully drift off to sleep soon enough, just let time heal the wound that nothing else seems quite capable of handling right now...