Stream of Consciousness

I apologize in advance for the poor quality and worthlessness of this post. As the title implies, I will be writing a stream of consciousness. Bear with me, please.

I want to disappear. I don't want to be here right now. I want everything to be gone, to not make a difference, to just stop. Nothing makes sense anymore, I'm messing everything up, and anything I could try is wrong, stupid, pathetic, worthless. I just want it to end. I don't want to see it, I don't want to deal with it.

How much would I give for it all to end? How simple would it be to just forget everything, to forget the nonsense that is existence, to make everything no longer matter. It all happens around me, life continues on, and I want to let go of the cliff. I want to fall into the abyss and never look back. To just fall and never hit bottom, to give up on everything, just let it all fall apart.

I don't want help. I think I need it, but I've hit the point where I don't care. It doesn't matter. If it was offered to me, I don't think I'd take it. Part of me wants an offer of help. But for the most part, I just want to give up, I just want it all to fall around me. It doesn't matter, so why do I care?

Why do I keep insisting to myself that there's actually a reason I dragged myself out of bed this morning? There isn't. I did it because it's what I do every single morning, because I don't know how to do anything else with myself. I've done it this way my entire life, and for most of it, I've wanted to do something else. But I'm too weak and pathetic to actually try.

It's all my fault. All of this hell I'm falling into and buried under...I got myself there. And I know it. But for once, I don't want to take responsibility for it, I don't want to deal with it, I just want to say that I don't care. I'm tired, I'm broken, I'm shattered. And even if it's my fault, even if it's only because of what I did to myself...I'm not going to try to fix it.

Me being me, I probably will. I probably will get over this and pull my ass up out of the dirt and fix something. Maybe only a little, maybe slowly, but because it's me and my habits and all of my stupid reasoning, I probably will. And I don't want to. I don't want to make it work. For once I want to just fall and not struggle to stay up.

I'm depressed. Again. I'm sorry. I don't know why I just apologized, but I know that it was to everyone who has to deal with me right now. I'm tired of being depressed, but I'm too depressed to fix it. I can't do this anymore. I don't care anymore. I just want it all to end. I don't want to have to think.

I don't even know what most of what I just typed was, but it's probably me spewing the same existential angst as always. And I don't care. Call it nonsense, call it whining, call it angst, it doesn't matter to me. I'm not willing to even say anything about it anymore. It hurts too much. I give up. It's over.