Some Such Nonsense

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of waking up every morning and feeling like I messed something up. I'm sick of feeling like everything I say is wrong and nothing I do can correct it. I'm sick of seeing the world around me falling down to and crumbling to pieces. And perhaps most of all, I'm sick of seeing things in my way, sick of all the nonsense stopping me from living.

Lately, I've been more strung up than I should have...my emotions have been muddled, confused, all over the place. At the slightest confusion, I found myself raising my voice. At the least suggestion, I felt the tears pooling. With the least bit of provocation, I found myself snapping at people. Hopefully this weeks has given me the rest I needed to get this under control.

The thing is, I keep finding myself stuck behind what's happened recently. I find myself looking at some of my recent decisions and trying to understand why things aren't working out. And I think that in spending so much time concerned over what happened and where I went wrong, I've been making more and more mistakes.

So I guess that the way to stop this whole vicious cycle is for me to take my own advice for once, and just let it go. For too long now, I've been hanging on to bits and pieces of the past, trying to put together the puzzle and understand where I went wrong. But that's been the problem, because while I was trying to understand mistakes of the past, I was making errors in the present because I wasn't paying enough attention to what went on around me.

Here's to a fresh start. Again. I don't care how many times I have to wipe the slate blank or how often I need to just throw out the past in order to make it work. The point is, I'm willing to try it again. And I know that I'll probably wake up again tomorrow, miserably pondering what happened and what didn't, trying to figure out where I messed up. But that's a part of my life right now, and at some point, hopefully, I'll get past it. Maybe, I'll be able to divert my mind enough to move on from it.

I'm trying again. I'm going to keep trying until either something works or it all falls literally to nothing. That's all I can really do right now. So I'm getting up the strength to do it just one more time. Hopefully it's worth something, even if it doesn't work out.