Release

So I stood there in the shower, feeling the tears mingling with the searing water flowing over my body, losing my ability to breathe through the vapor clouding the air, praying desperately to find myself in the hot water around me. Even with my vision blurred by the tears streaming down my face, even with the burning of water one setting to hot for any shower all over my skin, I felt no pain but the pain of emptiness, no agony but that of despairing loss.

My greatest fear is that I will never be able to feel again, that all of the poignant sensations that once were mine will never pierce me as they once did. I am afraid that I have lost the splendor of emotion I experienced before. I can no longer smile like I once did, and even crying isn't the same at this point in time. It is as though all color has left the world, and there I was...in the shower, hoping for the heat hitting my nerves and flushing my skin to make me feel again, to give me back a semblance of sensation, anything but the emptiness that overwhelmed me in that moment.

This writing...is all that I have left of myself. It is my daily confessions, my broken dreams. Even what I don't write finds its way into the words that appear before me every day. It is my attempt to experience something, to find anything that will make me feel human, alive...or even just feel at all.

I avoided that one question specifically, because I thought I knew the answer. But I think it might have changed now. I think I do it because it's my last hope at emotion. It seems as though if I lose this, I lose everything, I lose myself. And that's not a risk I want to take. So I do it to try and feel something, even if it isn't about myself, or maybe only because it is...just in a way that most people wouldn't guess.

I'm afraid that my life has turned into one large search for sensation. Maybe by looking so hard, I'm stopping myself from really finding it. But as it stands, I just want to feel. There's so much more I could say, so much more that I'm thinking...but it wouldn't be right to put it in this blog, for one reason or another. And maybe one day I will, if I get so desperate that by telling every truth to the whole world I hope to regain sensation. For now, though, I'll stick to the scalding water hitting my flesh from above, the steam clogging my nasal passages until I'm gasping for air, and the tears blurring my vision until all that's left is emotion. Nothing else.