Belong

I feel like I don't belong there anymore.  And for a few more hours, I can indeed still say there rather than here, which I'll take full advantage of while I can.  It's like this summer, without having really changed anything monumentally, has changed absolutely everything.  It used to feel like home, now the concept doesn't seem to carry this association in my mind.

It's not like it was a year ago.  I was just dreading it then.  Now, I'm not so much dreading it as preparing to feel out of place.  Last time, it wasn't such a sensation.  It was a steady and constant irritation with everyone and everything around me, it wasn't...I don't know how to explain.  It still felt like somewhere I should be and somewhere I should go, even if I wasn't happy.  That's not the case anymore.  This time around, it feels like a place I don't want to be and shouldn't go, happy or otherwise.

And I'm not sure what to make of that.  Maybe this summer really has changed me, even though it hasn't really felt like it.  But I guess, looking back on it, I could say the same exact thing of last summer.  In the moment, I hadn't felt that different, but considering the changes I can see now that took place as a result, it definitely did alter a lot.

Changing or not changing isn't the problem though.  It's a matter of feeling welcome somewhere.  Even though I wasn't happy last year, it felt like in a way, it was waiting for me to come back.  This year, it feels like I have to shove through iron doors with gritty hinges that don't want to open to get back in.  I don't know if I want to do that.  And the funny part is, that in a matter of hours I will.  I don't have much of a choice, as it is.