It Will Be Okay

I needed that.  Much as I hate having to put everything down from my mind and dump it before a person for evaluation and judgment and organizational help, I really needed that.  It wasn't exactly easy.  I'm not much good, and never have been, at putting thoughts out coherently.  They always seem to come out incorrectly or in a way that makes them seem so much more horrible (or occasionally less so) than they are.

But I feel better now.  I truly, honestly feel better now.  I feel better because putting everything down, saying all of the stray fragments of thought and emotion and pure confusion that had been floating around my mind helped me to actually make sense of it.  I'm not insane.  I'm not irrational.  I am human.  Yes, I messed up, and not for the first time.  But with respect to this, I am alright.  I am fine.

Sure, I'm still hurt, I'm still broken, I still have issues with trust and emotions and reactions and vicious cycles.  I know that.  But what that helped me do was put it all down and just look at it.  Talking it through helped me to make more sense of why it hurt and how I could change it.  This is going to be a slow process.  It's not going to be easy.  And it's going to take a lot of effort and possibly cause a lot of pain.

I hope that in the end it's going to make me better, though.  At least now I have a tangible way to approach this.  It gives me the opportunity to slowly but steadily work my way out of this hole, to get past this discomfort.  There's still a part of this I'm not sure about, still something that I'm trying to figure out that didn't get covered.

Maybe that's not exactly what I want or how it should be explained.  Regardless, I do need that step back right now, if only to get back to my senses a bit.  I'm shaken right now, not just from this but from a lot of stress that's been in my life lately.  So I'm going to step back a bit and look at this objectively and make some sense of it.  I don't want it to be at this point forever, but I don't want to back away immediately.

I don't know when this temporary change is going to be undone.  But this 24 hours, maybe 48, maybe longer, I need it.  I'm not sure why, but I want to just step away and think more clearly about it.  It's not something I really want to do, but I'm scared, and uncertain, and I just want to simplify this for a bit, to try and work on the other aspects without that getting in the way.

That's probably confusing.  I apologize.  This is a way to sort out my thoughts.  This is how I'm making sense of my emotions.  If you want an explanation, ask and I'll try to answer as best as I can.  I feel better, like I can make this work, like I really know that it can be okay and that it will be.