Wrong

Everything is going wrong right now.  Everything.  I'm in about 30 different kinds of pain, people are mad at me for things that aren't my fault, all of the things I've worked so hard to barely keep together are falling apart, and I can't even get enough control over myself to even hope that I can get through this just fine.  So here I am, sitting at work, headphones in for the first time in hell knows how long, blasting Okay, I Feel Better Now, even though...well, I really don't.

I know nobody likes reading these depressing, angsty posts I write occasionally that are just doom and gloom, but right now, I don't care.  I feel like hell.  I feel like absolutely everything is about to fall apart all around me and break and shatter and collapse.  And I can't keep it together right now.  Sure, I want things to be better, I want to be happier.  But what am I supposed to do when I'm in pain and elements out of my control are causing me to implode and I don't want to create a further mess for everyone around me because of the emotions that I'm bad enough at controlling as is?

So I'm going to sit here.  And I'm going to write.  And I'm going to pretend that I don't want to cry.  And I'm going to do what I have to in order to survive this.  And I'm going to just deal with it.  And I'm going to pretend that I'm not upset.  And I'm going to pretend that it doesn't hurt me when I lash out stupidly or lose control of everything.  Because what choice to I really have?  If I want this to get better, I have to get through the hell first.  That's what I'm trying to do.

It's still falling apart, it's still a mess, it still hurts like all hell.  I don't know how to fix it.  So I'm trying.  I'm really fucking trying.  And it's not working.  Again.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  Maybe thinking I could actually improve something was all a huge mistake.  Maybe I shouldn't have allowed myself to hope that I might be strong enough to actually manage reasonably well in my life despite this depression, this mess, this senseless, meaningless thing that life is.

What's worse?  Yesterday I was asked what I fear most.  My answer: myself.  Because in the end, I can't lay the blame for this on the world or on depression or on people around me or on anything else...it all comes down to me.  I'm the one who did all of this.  I broke myself.  I refused the help when I could have gotten up.  I'm the one who sabotages all of my own chances at happiness and success.  I'm the only one with the power to hurt myself at this point, and that's terrifying.  It's absolutely terrifying because I know this, and no better because I know that I do just that. 

Yeah.  I know.  I should shut up.  I should stop whining and just fix it.  But it's like I was saying a couple of days ago about vicious cycles...yes, I got myself here, I broke myself, and now I'm hurt, and that makes me hate myself a little bit more and that makes me break myself further, and it just goes on and gets worse.  So now I'm trapped.  I don't know how to get out.  And I can't ask for help because this is all my fault--I got myself in here, and I can't burden anyone else in trying to get out.

I guess that in tapping frantically at my keyboard to get emotions out has calmed me down, if only a bit.  I won't go back, I won't delete what I wrote.  I'm not sure why, but it seems like something I should preserve.  So what happens now?  What do I do with myself?  Deep breaths and pages of angst only help so much.  In the end, they don't really make anything better.  So what does?  How can I fix everything that I have messed up? 

I need to find something that works.  Because this clearly doesn't.  Whatever this may even be.  Maybe I just need to learn to calm down and be less emotional.  I used to be good at that sort of thing.  So what happened now that I'm no longer capable of dealing with it?  Something triggered this, and I'm not sure what...although I have my guesses.  Actually, I think I'm going to go sort my thoughts on this in a more private place right now.  Depending on what comes out of it, I may or may not end up posting the results (knowing me, I'm betting on not, but there is always that chance).