Unease

I'll be honest here.  It bothers me.  It makes me nervous and uncertain and somewhat afraid.  I can feel the muscles of my jaw clench and the muscles in my limbs twitch and the breath in my lungs become shallow and uneven.  Yes, it bothers me.  I know it shouldn't affect me this much.  Especially not now that I've done absolutely everything that I can possibly do about it.

Now, it's time to step back and take a deep breath.  But for some reason, it's really hard for me to do that.  This really bothers me, even though I know it shouldn't anymore.  This is one of those problems that I have--things bother me far more than they should, I feel like I lose control over my entire life no matter how small the disruption is.  Then it becomes difficult for me to distract myself and continue doing things as I should.  I become paranoid. 

That's the state I'm at right now: paranoia.  I've reasoned through this, gone through all of the rational thoughts that should help me calm down...and it's helped a bit, but only a bit.  That's the problem.  I'm still nervous and uneasy and worried about it.  I don't know if I want to talk about it or pretend it doesn't exist...either way, it seems to be completely eating away at my mind.  And I know, I know it shouldn't affect me this much...which is why it bothers me that much more that it does.

But in its own way, writing about it is helping somewhat.  I'm getting my thoughts down.  It seems to make the rational thought process more real.  It gives me a better sense of control again.  I'm still not completely relaxed.  It does still bother me.  But on the whole, I guess I feel better.  This is one of those things I know will pass with time, so long as the actual source of this anxiety stops, which I really hope it will. 

Nine more days.  I'm fairly certain things will get better then.  I will be around people again.  I will have less time to worry about senseless nonsense like this.  I will be more certain of the fact that this really is over.  But until then, I just have to take deep breaths, distract myself, and hope I can relax enough to sleep.  The more time separates me from such things, the better I feel.  So now I wait.