Dear you,
You know who you are. Or you would if you knew about this blog. You'd know by the title of this post and you'd know by what else I'm going to say. But you don't. You're never going to read this. And I write it fully knowing that. I should still write it, though...or maybe I shouldn't, but here I am anyway, with nothing more to do than write this letter to you that you will never read.
It sounds so polite, right now, so civil. But that's the way I've always treated you, even after everything that happened. Even when you started treating me as though I was worth absolutely nothing, even after you broke every ounce of trust I ever placed in you, even when you started spreading my secrets and telling lies about me, I still treated you with respect. Perhaps respect is the wrong word. I didn't do the same things to you that you did to me. I left you alone.
When we broke up, well...that in itself is a complicated story. I was cheating on you. I knew that day, when you called, that if we went out to talk, we would end up broken up by the end of the conversation. I let you rant at me, I let you talk about how you didn't know what you wanted with me anymore, I let you tell me how you weren't sure if you should stay with me or if I was enough for you. I let you say it all. I gave you the chance to break up with me.
But you didn't. You spent an hour of my time, telling me about how you weren't sure you were happy with the relationship and how maybe you should have walked away. That's when it hit me. I knew you weren't going to break up with me. And I'd realized by then that I didn't even want to be with you anymore. So I said, "I'm walking away now, before I say anything that I might regret." Then you said, "Goodbye. Forever." And I told you that it wasn't forever, that it was the end of a relationship, not a friendship.
You know, I guess you were right. That day, you'd gone to my best friend and said that you loved me...but you'd never told me that, and by then, it was too late. And after that, it all went downhill, you started spilling out everything I'd trusted you with, and trying to hurt me. I was such a mess then. You'd hurt me so badly, and I hadn't even realized it. Then you hurt me more. I can't believe I was ever stupid enough to listen to you, to want to be with you, any of it.
I never even loved you. At one point, I tried to convince myself I did. Thank god I never succeeded, thank god I never said those words to you because you're not worth it. You never were. Even before you started trying to destroy me, you weren't worth it. You messed up my life so badly. In a way, I'll admit it, it's my own fault. I wanted to go out with you, I was willing to give you a chance, I stopped listening to my friends, I let it get to the point where you could hurt me.
But I'm tired of taking the blame for all of the pain you put me through. You messed me up so badly. I'm still trying to put myself together, and it's really damn hard. I despise what I'm going through right now because of you. I don't hate you. I hate what I've become because of you. They were all right. I am better than you, I was always too good for you. It really is a shame I never listened.
You know what, you said it. Those were your words, not mine. I was willing to stay friends with you. But you messed it up for yourself. I really wish you'd just stuck to what you'd said and let us go our separate ways. I wish you'd never said another word to or about me after you said goodbye to me forever. I wish I'd never been stupid enough to have anything to do with you, not to mention date you. I did. Now I'm paying for it. Now I'm really, seriously paying for it.
I'm stronger than you. I don't need to stoop down to your level to keep living my life. But the problem is, you won't let me live it myself. You keep showing up and trying to undermine me. I'm done trying to pretend this is alright. Because right now, it's not. This is too far. I don't know what I'm supposed to do from here, but I'm done with it. You have messed me up so much, you have broken me in so many ways, you have controlled my life to a point that is absolutely ridiculous. Something is going to change about this. I will do it, one way or another.
Goodbye. Forever.
--Me.
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