Disappear

I'm tired.  I'm sick of this.  All I want to do is curl up in a corner and be reclusive and pretend the rest of the world didn't exist.  And of course, I can't do that because I'm stuck in a hotel room with two other people besides.  This is pretty much the last thing I needed.  I want to get away from it all.  I want to be completely alone.  I don't want to think.

Perhaps most of all, I want to forget that the last two years of my life even happened.  Any of it.  I want to make it all disappear.  The bad, and the good with it.  I don't care.  I don't want to think about it.  I don't want to be aware of how hellish my life is right now as a result.  I know perfectly well that it wouldn't be any different if those days didn't exist or if those moments hadn't happened or if those people weren't who they were.  I'd still be pathetic, miserable, and depressed.  But that doesn't stop me from wanting it all gone. 

Honestly, I don't even have anything to say anymore.  Or rather I've got plenty, but I'm not going to say any of it.  I give up.  I'm so sick of it all.  I needed that.  I needed at least to know it, to believe it.  I didn't say it because it was true, I said it because I needed it to be true.  And I didn't get it.  Not then, at least.  I still don't have it.  So now it doesn't matter whether I need it or not.  It's too late. 

Sometimes I wish I would actually believe that.  Because I know it's not the truth.  I wonder how different things would be if it was.  I'm tired, I'm hurt, I'm bitter, I'm resentful.  The last thing I want to do is think about any of it, but how am I supposed to do that when it's the only thing on my mind?  Yes, I realize exactly what I'm doing.  I often wish I wasn't doing it.  And I pretty much have no idea why I'm even doing it anymore.  All I know is that I'm still here, still doing this, god knows why.

Yes, this is more angst and depression.  I don't care.  I've got nothing else to say, especially when I really don't want to say much of anything at all.  I'm not stupid.  I get it.  That doesn't mean that I'm going to say anything.  But I've already repeated everything I meant to say, so I'll stop now.  My apologies.