Explain

Once again, I start this later than I'd like, with work to do and other thoughts in mind.  This isn't the mood I like to be in when I write.  Maybe that's just it lately.  Maybe the job of this blog is done, effectively.  I'm not sure why that just came to mind or how it can be the case when I didn't start writing anything with a goal in mind, but that's what entered my thoughts, so I wrote it down.

I wonder if I didn't start this with a subconscious need to just get enough thoughts out, to trap enough of myself in something distinctly separate from me, just until I could survive with all of it again, until I didn't need to put it all down elsewhere.  I had no idea why I started blogging really, I just did.  I did it because I wanted to, because it seemed nice.  I guess it wound up serving much more of a purpose than just that.

Keeping this up every day may very well have saved my sanity.  I needed to put the thoughts down before they consumed me, and I needed to know that there was a chance of them reaching someone else.  That's what this did for me.  It let me whine and complain and break down all I wanted without really being a burden on people, without running to them and taking up their time.  Yet at the same time, it gave me the hope that perhaps someone would in fact read it, that my thoughts and pains would no longer be my own.

Perhaps someone else did read it, perhaps not.  For most days, I will never know which was the case.  But that's not what mattered then.  What mattered was the fact that it was possible, that I had hope.  That's what really saved me then.  And it seems like I need it less and less now, like I'm able to save myself better than I could then.  So maybe I really don't need to blog anymore.

The thing is, though, I fully intend to keep blogging.  Maybe most of my posts from here on out will wind up being terrible and full of nonsense and just there to fill up space because I make myself write, but hopefully some of them will carry something of worth, have some sort of value, be meaningful at least to some extent, so that either I or someone else could gain something from them.  I still like writing.  Just because I don't have to doesn't mean that I won't.