Month

It's been almost a month since I last sat here.  In this chair.  At this desk.  In this room.  In this house.  In this city.  And I don't really want to be sitting here even now.  But I am.  Because I have somewhere to be.  And something to do.  And I can't do it from where I was a mere two hours ago.  It wouldn't really be better even if I could.  But I can hope.

This isn't really what I want to be writing.  I don't exactly know what it is that I do want to say.  But I know how it feels and I know that there's no way for me to use words to explain it.  So I'm sitting here anyway, my eyes glued to the screen, incapable of work, wanting nothing more than to curl up and sleep because it means I wouldn't have to think.

I want to say something moving and powerful and emotional and vivid.  I want to say something that will make the heart beat faster or the breath catch in one's throat.  But I don't know how to.  I can't make it mean something or matter, I can only promise that to me, it does.  Which doesn't really mean much of anything to anyone else, and understandably so.

There's so much I could say, write, express.  But at the same time, I can't.  I'm not sure why, but I know that it's not for me to type here, perhaps not for me to ever mention.  Maybe it's only because of how cliche it would sound if I did say it or write it.  But I can't say any of it.  Not here.  Not now.  Not like this.  So I'll go back to thinking those thoughts and wishing I could express them in the only way I really can without diluting them or making them into something they're not.