Okay

Tell me what you like, say what you will, explain to me anything you want, run through it piece by piece or simply as one whole.  I'll say the same thing:

Okay.

That's all I can say.  I'm sick of this.  I'm sick of this mess, this nonsense, this moronic nonsense.  I'm done trying to change something.  Fine.  It is what it is, just deal with it.  That's it.  It's not going to change.

I'm not going to kill myself anymore in trying to make it work.  It either works or it doesn't.  I'm tired of maybes and in-betweens.  The irony of that is that every single time I say this, that each time I claim to be done, really done, I never act on that, I always return to it.  Perhaps that speaks to a low opinion of myself, or to a fear of well, just about everything, but it is what it is.

I should do the same thing.  I should stop screwing myself over.  Should.  Because I know my own stupidity well enough to know that I'm not going to.  And I'm an idiot for it.  I get myself into this nonsense and maintain it no matter how much it hurts or how bad I know it to be for myself.  That is pathetic.  I am ridiculous.  And I still don't know why I do.

This.  This hurts.  I didn't admit it then, and I'll probably resent myself for admitting it now.  But that hurt.  A lot.  I wanted to lash out.  I still don't know why I didn't.  In a way, writing this is the same as lashing out, it will probably have that same effect.  It isn't intended to.  But by now, I know full well that intent doesn't change much.

I give up.

I'm sick of fighting.  Fighting for this.  Fighting against this.  It'll be better this way if I just let it go.  So I'm letting it go.  I'm letting it all go.  Is it worth fighting for?  Maybe.  But I don't have enough left in me to do that anymore.  I'm sorry.  That's just it.  That's all I can say:

Okay.