Today

Once again, it's late.  Only today this was almost intentional, to an extent.  I put off writing for as long as I could. This is a hard post to write.  I know full well what I am perhaps almost expected to write it about, I know what's on my mind, and I know that despite those two being pretty much one and the same, it's not something I can actually write here.

So I'm left with the choice of working around the subject and leaving a fragmented shell of explanation that raises more questions than it answers, even for me, or finding something else to write about tonight.  The thing is, I don't want to write about anything else.  But this...this is one of those things that I will go back and probably write about tomorrow morning in the private files that other people don't get to read.

I'll say what I can though, since it's on my mind.  This is most likely as much as I'm willing to say to anyone on the topic, although there may be a few questions I'm willing to entertain.  It seems unreal.  But that's been the case every time.  I figure that after a while, it will become ordinary, if not mundane, once I've come to terms with the idea again.  In the meantime, though, it doesn't feel as though it's happened, even though I know full well it has.

This has always had a strange effect of uncertainty for me.  That's what I get for having possibilities in mind, if not things so concrete as expectations.  It leaves me sitting here, wondering what it means, what it changes, what it says about me or my life or anything else, for that matter.  I don't know.  I didn't know then, I don't know now.

I can say for certain relatively few things, some of which include the following.  I am not upset.  I do not regret it.  I am happy about it.  But beyond that, I'm clueless as to what my mental and emotional response to it has been.  It doesn't change my emotions on the overarching circumstances, but perhaps because of the anticipation, it feels as though perhaps something should change, should be significantly altered or something...but I don't think it is.

I've been through this before.  Not in the same way, far from it, actually, but I have.  That makes it easier in a way.  It lessens one sense of significance.  It reduces a particularly large factor and allows me to focus on the rest, which is still far form neat, emotionally.  And that's all I can really say right now.  I've got nothing more reasonable in my mind.  I can't think straight.  I feel a headache about to destroy any sense of reason I have left, and I think this is a good time to wrap this up before I say too much.

On the whole, today has been a good day.  A very good day.  I've been in a good mood through pretty much all of it, which doesn't happen too often, and I'm getting to bed relatively early (because I feel like I'm about to pass out right now, but that's beside the point).  So with that, good night and hopefully my thoughts will straighten themselves out in due time.