Deserving

I'm not the one who deserves better.

That just occurred to me.  So here I am, in my standard pathetic, self-loathing, pitying state.  And that's when things like this hit me.  Because I am pathetic.  I can't make anything of all of the opportunities that have presented themselves to me, and all I can do is sit here on days like today, miserable and frustrated and pathetic.  It's no question why times like now I hate myself.

Yes, I am still depressed.  No, it hasn't gotten better.  Honestly, part of me doesn't want to fix it.  That part is perfectly content to be here and doing nothing and feeling pathetic and loathing my existence.  That's the point I'm at right now.  I don't want to get better.  I want it all to keep hurting.  And that makes me a terrible person, I'm fully aware.

I can't really do anything right anymore.  I think I've been saying that for a while now.  So maybe it's all just the same.  Or maybe I've just gotten worse.  Again.  Really, it wouldn't be the first time that's happened when I haven't been paying attention to myself.  I have no idea how this keeps happening or why or really anything.  I'm just depressed and confused right now, and I really don't want to do anything.

In my wonderful tradition of keeping up vicious cycles, I know that if I don't do anything, as is my desire, I will wind up being more upset by that and feeling more miserable and pathetic as a result.  Then I'll want to do less and in turn wind up feeling worse.  I hate this.  I really hate this.  I'm tired of vicious circles and pain and not being able to be happy or enthusiastic about anything and I'm tired of hating myself.

And because I'm so damn pathetic that I hate it all but don't do anything whatsoever to change it, I wind up hating myself that much more as a result.  I'd say this has to stop, but I know that I'm too inept to change it and that it won't.  So I'll just stop ranting and go back to sitting here feeling miserable, getting nothing done, and hating myself.