Upset

So again I'm at this point where I have less than an hour left in the day and I still have to blog.  But this time I think it's alright.  For the most part I already know what I want to say, and just have to write it out, put it down in words.  I've known for about five hours now, I could have written this when I first thought of it, but I didn't.  I'm not exactly certain why.  In any case though, I'm writing it now.

I can't talk when I'm upset.  It hurts.  I have perfectly structured sentences and elegant phrases built up in my mind, waiting to be used...and then I never do.  I never say those things that I want to say.  Because it hurts.  Thinking them is easy, it comes quite naturally, and often even expresses the majority of what I think, how I feel, why I am the way I am.  I still can't say it.

Writing it is slightly challenging as well, but once I start, I manage to continue until it is all out in a stream of pain, when it has left my body and taken up residence in text.  But speaking of it, I can't.  It's not that I don't know how; as I've already mentioned, the thoughts are there, perfectly formed, I just can't say them.  I can't open my mouth to utter the sounds necessary to convey my emotions.

I don't like that about myself.  It makes dealing with things more challenging, because perhaps the only thing that hurts more than knowing I can't say them is knowing that I can but not being able to.  So I'm working on it.  I'm learning to open my mouth, trying to make at least a few words come out, making the effort to reach out and function despite the pain.  Maybe it's helping or maybe it's not.  I don't know.  I may never find out.  But I'm still willing to try it in case it really does get better with time.