Awake

Last night, I was in bed at 11:30 pm. This morning, I got out of bed at 11:30 am. That is the longest sleep I have gotten in many months. Twelve hours. From that, one would assume that I slept well. Unfortunately, just as it was the longest I have slept in a while, it was also the worst. I'm afraid that maybe only two hours of that was actually spent sleeping. So how could I possibly have spent twelve hours in bed then?

I can't stop thinking. This is the one secret that I really keep from absolutely everyone. It's taken months to finally really reach me, but now that it has, I can't stop thinking about it. And I'm not about to write it, either. So this is how I spent my night, tossing and turning, trying to understand my emotions, trying to overcome the unbelievable sensations coursing through my body as a result of what happened so long ago.

Suddenly, I realized what explains so many of the actions I took over the past several months. Everything that before was entirely unrelated and done "just because..." all of that, I can explain now. It was me subconsciously reacting. And now I'm beginning to react consciously. I can feel the difference in my posture, in my expression. Even as I write this, I'm withdrawing from the world again. I'm cloaking myself in music again to avoid everyone and everything that could touch me. I'm trying to understand all of this, to come to terms with it.

And it's not working. I want to talk to someone about this, but I know that I can't. Too many people would go trying to make things better and do the wrong thing. Others wouldn't understand what it means to me. Writing it out would just make it available for all of those people and more. So I'm still sitting here trying to accept it. I can't. I'm so confused, and this is clouding my thought process and leaving me in a fog about what I believe.

This has thrown a blanket over my life...but it's not the blanket of depression. It seems similar, isolating me from the world, but it's not nearly the same. This is a cover of contemplation, leading me away from everything so that I can come to terms with it all. That's the thing about having too much time to myself--I start thinking and reflecting on things I really need to. Only altogether too often, I'm not done being absorbed in the issue by the time I need to get back to living my life, and then it drags behind me and throws me off of everything. How many more nights I will lie awake thinking about this, I don't know. But at least I'm finally starting to understand it...I hope.