Not Like Newton

We always hear about those crazy scientists. We know Einstein had the crazy hair, Marie Curie worked with radioactive isotopes without giving a care, and whoever it was who discovered saccharine breathed noxious fumes when mixing chemicals together as a kid. But somehow we never see Isaac Newton in that light. Sure, the apple fell on his head and magically he knew the laws of gravity. But nothing in that makes him sound like the mad scientist that others are. So here's a little-known part of the story (and I promise, this has a point beyond being merely entertaining).

On his death-bed, Newton said that he was glad he was dying a virgin because it meant he had not been distracted from his great purpose in life. Throughout his life, he had sincerely believed that God had put him upon the earth specifically to rediscover the lost knowledge of the ancient philosophers. He had thought that he wasn't inventing calculus, but really finding morsels of truth that the wiser philosophers of days gone by had known. It is said that he was so dedicated to his work that he forgot to eat, even didn't straighten up to get out of his chair when going to get another book from across the room...and yes, he was still studying while walking.

So maybe Newton had it all right--live life for a single, god-given purpose and dedicate yourself to it entirely and whole-heartedly. But at the same time, that's not how life works for most of us, or at least not in this age and time. So how do we live? Most of us just suck it up and take a deep breath...then we live through today just to make it to the next, and so on and so forth until we finally die. I heard once that existentialism tends to grip individuals in their youth or their teenage years, but after a while it fades and life somehow resumes a balance. I certainly haven't reached the point when it disappears as an influence yet, and I can't really see that happening at all, not to mention in the near future.

We live our lives like this and then we always wonder why nothing works out and we fall to pieces. So maybe Newton did have something right...the need for a goal, the need to live for something, whatever that may be. Some people live for their religion, others for their friends. What about me though, what do I live for? I'm not sure. Sometimes I've said that I live for moments...but that's not entirely true. Other times I've said that it's for people...but even that I find myself doubting. So why am I still here? Why am I still alive, even after everything that's happened. I'll put it bluntly and honestly: it's a miracle that my ex didn't drive me to suicide. And I'm not exaggerating. Why not? Why did I persevere through that? Why do I continue to bear it?

I still don't really know. I've had countless moments when I've cracked and crumbled. I've had days when I did everything I could to avoid people so that I could spend another hour crying about my failure at life. After all of that, I'm still here. After all of that, I'm still living. I've had the distinct thought before of "I don't want to live," but it hasn't changed anything. That's not even just my occasional depression. I honestly have no idea why I'm still here. Maybe it's for the days like today when someone tells me, "I think you're the only person I can really count on anymore." So certainly, I may not have been having an amazing day. And maybe, just maybe I didn't want to be strong or supportive...but I was. I'm damn glad of that too. One thing I know though, is that I won't die like Isaac Newton...because I want to experience things and make the most out of life while I can.