Well, I've been thinking quite a bit about friendship recently, and I think it may have even entered some of the conversations I have. I rather like the article, it seems to really incorporate an understanding of the connection that we call friendship, and I personally find that I largely agree. Off the top of my head, I daresay that trust and reciprocity are the most important elements of friendship, together with interaction, without which such a bond could not be forged or maintained. Although I've generally maintained that opinion for a while, the article really delineated my thoughts clearly and articulated them in a way that I couldn't have thought to express.
So with that in mind, I've been re-evaluating some of my friendships. I've seen some of the people who were closest to me slip away without so much as a word, and I felt entirely powerless to stop that process. Even now, I feel as though that is happening around me. There are four people whom I trust more than anybody else and who have the clearest idea of what goes on in my life from my perspective--they are my closest friends. Yet even as I think that, I see myself being less willing to share certain thoughts with them and I watch one person beginning to completely slip away. Perhaps it is there that it is best to start my analysis, because I do not want to lose another friendship like I have before.
As with everyone else, there are certain things I cannot discuss with this person--there are barriers there. And I completely understand why those particular barriers are there and why they should not be transcended. But at the same time, it's rather difficult to maintain a conversation with someone when your first thoughts upon seeing them are the very things you know you cannot talk to them about. Then it becomes frustrating as you try to fish for a conversational topic to avoid losing the friendship but at the same time worry about what is really in your mind. At the same time, I feel the distance that has grown between us because of the distinct wall that has been raised.
The conversation used to flow freely and encompass all topics, from funny occurrences to the deepest of emotions. Now, the list of topics has been curtailed and there are some we both know to be taboo...of course those are the ones most often in mind. Because of the barriers, those stupid lines that, as much as I may not like them, I know full well need to have been drawn, I feel the friendship falling apart. I miss the way it used to be. But at the same time, I can't say that...I can't just ask to have back what there was before because those walls are up for a reason, a reason that I know well, and I would be breaking every bond of this friendship if I was to ask for them to be lowered. The very irony of this situation stands out so poignantly--I would destroy the friendship if I tried to fight for it.
The pain of this person falling away from me in my life is perhaps among my most prominent of emotions recently, together with questioning the meaning of life. Yet I also feel the distance beginning to develop with my other friends. And that is no less painful because suddenly, there is nobody who I can trust with everything. I hide something from everybody. That's the one thing I really miss of being in a relationship--the sheer individual, complete, entirely honest and supportive connection with someone. Even when I distribute the more or less secret truths of my mind among my closest friends, I find myself lacking in someone to whom I can entirely exhaust the convoluted emotions that overwhelm me at times. On the other hand, I try to be appreciative of the people who I am still close to, if not as close as I may wish.
Maybe I am changing a lot, maybe that is why I feel more distant from my friends. The problem with that is my introverted nature, my tendency to avoid people unless I am forced to encounter them. That in itself has this wonderful (note the sarcasm) consequence of alienating me from many potential friends unless they approach me...which, considering the fact that I tend to get along better with quieter individuals, is one of the worst ways of making new friends. I guess that sometimes, things just change. And then life adjusts to it. Sure, maybe I'll have a couple of weeks or months where I have few close friends, but it's happened before and I've made it through it. When it's necessary, I believe I'll be able to connect with people, and hopefully that will be good enough.
That was a rather long and somewhat ranting post. But there was definitely a lot in there that I just needed to get out of my mind and into some other form of expression. I apologize sincerely if any part of that didn't flow as well as it should have, but much of it was rather impassioned and my emotions are not always very keen on the rules of proper grammar. I also figured out that the reason I started writing so late was because this has been on my mind a lot, but I needed to take a bit of time and figure out how to put it in order, so that I could logically sort it out when I put it into words and coherent phrases. And now, I can take a deep breath, filled with the relief of having completed that, and get back to work.
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