Thoughts

"My days brimming with hope, my nights seeping with agony and despair."

That was the thought that occurred to me roughly ten minutes ago. Until a second ago, I wasn't really sure what I should do with it. Then again, when not certain, what better than to sort it out? And I do that best by writing sometimes. So what does that thought even mean? It didn't just randomly appear in my mind, it was rather the end of a trail of calculated and analytical thinking about my life.

I'm the sort of person who loves being alone but shouldn't be left so. When left to my own devices, my thoughts begin to coil and curl into terrifying creations that even I cannot begin to comprehend. They take on lives of their own, and before I know it, I'm caught up in vivid fantasies or carried away in powerful nightmares, completely unaware of how I ended up there and completely incapable of stopping the rush in my mind. Don't get me wrong here, I love those moments, they fascinate me...it's the sort of dark dread that brings out the most intense of all curiosity in me.

At the same time, it does scare me. I often wonder what would happen if I was just left in isolation, free to think as I would, my thoughts raring beyond the control of my mind. Where would I end up? What would I think, what would I feel? I can't help but ponder the strange ideas that would inevitably crop up in my head, drive me to strange and arcane actions. Thus it goes every day when I'm out of contact with my friends. I begin theorizing on strange ideas, capitalizing in my dreams on the most absurd of notions. And by the time the darkness descends outside, I catch myself in this familiar worry about my thoughts.

Yet every time, it somehow works out. After every pit of fear in my stomach about my mental stability, I never fail to resume so-called normalcy. Somehow that thought manages to qualm my fears right now, soothe the nervous tension in my hands. I'm not sure where my current thoughts are taking me, but I have control. I am entirely aware of what is going on around me, so I feel it safe to follow this strange, forbidden stream flowing about my mind. And now that I've assessed that logic, I will go back to creeping after it, tenderly taking one step after another and seeing where my thoughts may lead.