What About Me?

I spend so much of my time helping others. I listen to people ranting, I'm a shoulder for them to cry on, I give them suggestions when they're in a tough spot, I hug them and let them just be...whoever, whatever they want or need to be around me. I try to be there for them when they need me, whether it's what I want to do or not. So what about me? Why is nobody here for me? One person knows that I'm depressed right now. One person who I could talk to. Why? Because nobody else has said anything to me, has bothered to notice that I need help. Sure, I don't necessarily want the help, but I at least want to be able to stop lying about my life being "fine."

I want to be able to just fall apart in front of someone, to just let everything go and be honest for once. But I can't. I don't want to burden anyone, and I don't want anyone to just have to sit there and listen to me break down. Life isn't fair, yes, believe me, I'm fully aware of that. At the same time, here I am, falling to pieces, trying to just barely stay afloat. And it's not working. I feel myself going further and further down, I know that everything is just getting worse and worse and making less and less sense as I go. This is the worst it's ever been. I may have said that before; well now it's worse. I think I need someone to just be open with, and I can't be. I can't burden my friends like that, and especially not when they have their own problems and didn't ask for any of mine.

It probably seems like I'm trying to be the benevolent, self-sacrificing, moronically prideful fool right now, and maybe I am. I don't care anymore. I honestly don't care. I've let so much go, because I'm just not capable of holding on. I'm falling. And I don't think anybody can see. So either I've become extremely good at hiding the truth, or everyone else has become ridiculously oblivious to those around them. Which is it? Does it even matter? No. It doesn't. It's not going to change anything anyway. Maybe it wouldn't even change anything if I did have someone to talk to...so why bother? Really, why do I even bother anymore? Because I have nothing better to do? I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.