Darkness

I'm not afraid to admit that I need help. I'm just not willing to ask for it. And if it was offered to me without solicitation, I don't know whether I would or wouldn't accept it. Depression...sucks. I guess that's a reasonable way to put it mildly. I'm exhausted, and it's not just the normal lack of sleep. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk to anyone. And I've spent the past two days in tears whenever I've been alone. I don't want to turn this into a self-pity post, but that's what it looks like it's becoming.

Everything is going wrong. I am buried under infinite piles of work and obligation. My own emotions are smothering my reason, and all I want to do is curl up under the covers and forget that the world exists. At the same time, this is a very peaceful existence. Very little can actually truly bother me...or at least more than I've already bothered myself. So at this point, I've just settled down and prepared to move on with the hell that is my life right now. I'm not entirely sure what the hell I'm doing anymore, but I'm just going along with it, possibly only because I'm too tired to actually make any change in that.

The world is crashing down around me and I've given up the fight. I'll sit here calmly and watch it fall, because to me that is less painful than trying to stop and being beaten down by the pieces coming down. I've heard before that depression had physical pain associated with it. I never understood that until now. I can't move without an effort, and I can barely drag myself out of bed in the mornings anymore. I'm sorry to those around me, because I literally cannot bring myself out of this. I've tried, and I still put on the masks to help people when they need it...but on the inside, there's nothing left. I know things are never going to be the same as before, and I wonder if it's even possible for them to ever be alright again. Then again, it doesn't even matter...that doesn't affect the way I live my life or the steps I take from here on out. At this point, every breath I take is only so that I can take the next one...nothing more.