Distraction

Here I sit in front of my computer, as I have been for the past couple of hours. I still can't get any work done. The documents in front of me are the last things on my mind. Yes, I realize that I need to complete them by tomorrow, but somehow that doesn't bother me. I've got other things to think about. So here I am, distracting myself by listening to music and blogging, all while thinking thoughts that I can't exactly put my finger on even though I know they're there.

I'm fidgety. My legs are shaking as I sit here trying to think. I can't focus on anything. My thoughts are rambling and raving all over the place, I can't track a single one down. I guess there are some things that can make us react in different ways without realizing it. The same things that make us tremble with excitement, shiver with joy, those can also freeze us with fear, cast us down in sorrow. It depends on the context and on our interpretation of those thoughts or occurrences. Then again, what doesn't depend on our perceptions of things?

And my attention span is grabbed again and pulled in a different direction: the cold. My window is open, and my hands are freezing on my keyboard, but my body feels perfectly warm. It's almost to the point where I want to leave the window open overnight, even though I know it's far too cold for that. That probably has something to do with the fidgeting, or my thoughts being too scattered to really concentrate on any given sensation for too long. It's like I feel numb. When I take a second to step back and evaluate my current emotions, I feel none.

It's like there's an empty core inside of my body. I don't feel the cold, I don't feel hunger. I have no sense of emotion. I can feel the chill in my fingers and the soreness in my back, I am aware of my hands tapping the keys in front of my computer, but I do not really feel it in the way I normally do. Even nerves, happiness, anger, excitement, panic, confusion are all dulled in my mind at present. Everything seems empty. I am an empty core, the remaining shell of something that has been blasted to bits and no longer exists. This emptiness is fascinating. Part of me wants to revel in this newfound sensation, or lack thereof, but the rest of me is perfectly content to just sit here staring off into space, not moving nor thinking.