Losing It All

I'm watching my life fall apart. I see my friends growing distant, my dreams getting shattered, my hopes already smashed. I can still get it back, I think. But the question I'm asking myself now is, "is it even worth it?" Is putting up the fight worth everything that would come out of it? How can I even know when I don't know what would result? That's the problem. I don't know. Anything. These words don't even really make sense anymore. I'm just writing. Tapping at the keyboard, hoping that the letters appearing in front of me carry some weight or reason. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing by now. I'm just letting it come to pass.

I had a dream last night. I forgot it. I did something this morning. I don't remember that. Perhaps the most frustrating part of it all really is seeing my friends moving away from me...be it on purpose or just as a coincidence. At the same time as I don't want company, I don't want to be alone, either. Maybe if I picked myself up and got my life back together things would work again, and I'd be able to open up and talk to people. That may be the case, but it still doesn't feel like it. I doubt this is making any sense. I'm tired. I can't think...I say that often, but now it's definitely true, there's a fog in my brain and nothing flows anymore. It's all hazy confusion and I just want to talk to someone. But I rather doubt that's going to happen.

And I see it all drifting apart. I can see it happening. It's not like a subtle change or a huge knock-down. I can watch it happening and that makes it that much more painful. I don't know if I can do this anymore, just watch it crashing down. But at the same time, I don't think I have the strength to get up and actually do anything about it. Maybe all I need is time away from it all, but the problem is that I can't get that time. I literally can't...not now, not for another two weeks. And then I wonder whether time away from it would help any at all or if it would just make everything worse. I feel better than I did for the past couple of days, but nothing works either way...it's all falling apart, and I'm still not capable of holding it all together. So here I sit, hoping that I will at least be able to salvage something from all of this before it all collides.