Waiting

All day, I have waited for a conversation to take place. It's a perfectly rational conversation, too...one that just might happen. Here's how it would go:

[someone]: how are you?

me: you want the truth?

[someone]: sure

me: I feel depressed as all hell

I don't know why I've been expecting that conversation or waiting for it, for that matter. Well it hasn't happened. And for that matter, it's not going to. At least not today. It really doesn't matter though. It's not like that would accomplish anything for me. Frankly, it's better that that conversation doesn't happen. That way I'm not a burden on anyone else, I get to deal with my life the way I want to do it, without somebody trying to make me feel better.

Then again, sometimes I wish that someone would try to improve my mood when I feel like this...just for once. I've been listening to a song on repeat all day, putting off all work, with the blinds down and the door locked. I've been in isolation. I don't want to see people, I don't want to deal with them. I can't finish anything and that's just adding to the weight on me right now. I should be happy...today, I had two people who I greatly respect tell me my virtues and offer to help me get where I want to get in life. At the same time, I barely avoided failing an important evaluation and my emotions are still tearing me to pieces.

That's the one thing I miss about being in a relationship--having someone to cling to, someone to go to no matter how terrible you feel. It's someone who is always going to be there, someone you can actually trust to break down around. But then again, I honestly don't know if I'm ever going to let myself trust someone that much again. Considering how I feel right now, I rather doubt it. If I'm lucky, I just might survive today and make it to a restful sleep. How much lying and putting on false faces that's going to take, you have no idea. Here goes nothing.