The String

I'm hanging on to life by a thread. This string of sustenance is barely carrying me. I still feel like I'm falling, but I'm still here...still hanging. I think that string is music. I can't think of a single minute in the past three days when I could have listened to music and didn't. I've been fighting to just stay above the water. Everything is still falling to pieces, but I'm clinging to sound. It's the only sensation I can really feel. Talking to people has no effect on me, I have no sense of emotion in that context...it's just breaths going in and out, air running over my vocal cords, causing sound to emerge from my mouth, there's no tone in my speech anymore, everything has run together into a monotone. I'm almost surprised that someone hasn't asked a question about it yet, but at the same time, I'm relieved...after all, I have been trying to at least seem normal so that my friends don't worry.

Even now music is blasting, making life tolerable. I couldn't sit here in silence right now if I had to. I feel like I'm literally drowning, and I don't want to be pulled up. I'm just fine floating in the harmonies of sound right now, I don't need anything else. I don't want to deal with people, I don't want to work or talk or move. Sitting in a chair right now, I feel myself curling my body as much as the seat will allow me to, and wishing that a curtain would descend around me, separating me from the rest of the world. "I died for the last lie, and the heartbreak; for the first time, I could not take..." (Okay, I Feel Better Now--AFI). That fits so well right now. I'm drained, shattered, broken.

Although at the same time, I don't feel any of it. Maybe it's the music that I've used to shield myself from the world, maybe the fact that I haven't gone to dinner for five days now, or maybe it's simply a lack of emotion for no good reason at all. I'm existent. That's all I can say when people ask me how I am. I can't even pull of my usual "good, how are you?" nonsense. I'm lying to some of my closest friends about how I am. Is that bad? Probably. Am I going to change it? Absolutely not. It's gotten to the point where I just don't want to get better. Simple as that. I'm content to remain where I am in my life. I don't need to care or feel, I'll just keep drifting through it slowly, clinging to my string.