Intimidation

At the very end of a long train of thoughts I had today, starting with a comment made on my intelligence, I came to this conclusion: I'm afraid that I will never be loved because people are intimidated by me. Even typing that out, I realize just how off the phrasing is from my thoughts, but there is no way I can think of to change those words to be more comprehensive. And that's the truth. I know that I am intimidating, it has been confirmed to me by friends and others numerous times, and I guess I could easily come off as inherently unapproachable.

I once noted to a friend that for the past year or so, all of the people who have been romantically interested in me went after that friend, first. And it's true. It made for a laughable moment between the two of us, but at the same time, it made me notice just how a combination of being reclusive and intimidating keeps me from getting to know people. There, it's not even about love or relationships...it's about basic friendships.

I know how conceited this is going to sound, but I'll say it anyway, because it's the truth, at least as I perceive it. I know that I am intelligent. I know that I am more accomplished than most of the people around me. And I know that because of this, my partial nonchalance, and the added bonus of my stature, I am intimidating. I don't try to be, but in shielding myself from the world, certainly I have developed an external shell that is largely impenetrable. The thing is, though, that knowing that I have attributes that I could lord over people hasn't led me to do so.

Most of my friends feel inferior to me and have confided the sentiment. Most of the people I know have told mutual friends, who in turn have told me, that they can't compare to me if they tried. And what do I do about it? I downplay it. Every major accomplishment, while the rest of the world screams and shouts about their results on facebook or in real life, I keep it quiet. Because unlike the rest of the world who gets to celebrate when they do well, I am expected to do well, and if I do, everyone casts that away, and if I don't, I get mocked for accomplishments that for others would lead to applause. This is what I deal with. Sure, it sounds pathetic, and egotistical, but right now, I don't care.

Frankly, this hasn't affected how I treat people or feel about them. My last ex was a wonderful (note the sarcasm) proponent of telling me just how it feels to be looked down on, standing next to me. What did that change in my mind? NOTHING. I've learned by now not to judge based on so-called rankings of intelligence or mere facts about people. I've stopped judging the lazy, the promiscuous, the outspoken, the reclusive. My attributes may be intimidating, but I try not to be. I am human, I have thoughts, feelings, emotions just like everyone else in this world. I may also have a set of numbers floating above my head, a list of accomplishments behind my back, but that doesn't determine who I am.

Sometimes I wish that people could just look past all of that. I'm not saying that they should forget everything they know about me when we talk, but I mean that they shouldn't let it cloud their judgment, like I try not to let it cloud mine. Because all too often, the only things people know about me are the numbers and the accomplishments. And I'm afraid that someone's unwillingness to look past the trivial factors and see who I am is going to leave me more miserable in effect. I apologize for how stuck up this must sound, but I promised to write the truth, and I would be lying if I said this wasn't it.