Acceptance

7:00 am

Scarlet digits at the foot of my bed come back to life, accompanied by a screeching raucous enough to raise the dead. Needless to say, I am now awake.

7:02 am

Reality hits. It's Friday (thank goodness). I have to work. For the past three nights, I have woken up literally every single hour. I still have a sore throat, which may well be premonition of a rather miserable disease that I'm not particularly keen on coming down with.

Yeah. That was the great start to my day today. Because what I really needed on top of a bitter week full of shattered nerves and not enough sleep was the realization that I don't feel well and my life is a bit of a mess at present. I can't say I'm particularly fond of this concept of reality. Especially not if it continues being this much of a bitch.

The thing is though, fast forward two and a half hours as I'm approaching my building in the city on foot (because as per tradition, I decided to walk the 3 miles this morning), and my attitude is completely different. I don't know what changed. I don't know why. I don't really care. It was one of those moments when reality just hits...much in the same way that it hit me this morning that I was miserable, it hit me again later and made me smile.

Life doesn't really make sense. It doesn't exactly work. We have no control over a lot of the things that happen around us. And what hit me in that three-mile walk that made my throat burn even more than it had been, was that I've been clinging too tightly. In professing to let go and allow myself to live, I had been clenching my fingers in a deathly grip about my anxiety, arguably the last aspect of my life that I could control at this point.

So as I walked today, I really did let it all fall away. I felt my control slipping off my shoulders as I moved forward with each step. I felt my nerves loosen and the tensions in my mind and body relax as I pressed forward through the hot city air. I felt the apprehension, the worry, the fear all collapsing around me as I walked. For once, I allowed myself to leave it all behind.

I took a deep breath and felt my heart thundering in my chest. I could see my pulse at my neck as I looked into the mirror above the sink, and I felt the perspiration beginning to cool on my temples as my body relaxed again. Maybe I am sleep-deprived. Maybe I am coming down with an unpleasant disease. Maybe I don't know what's going to happen. Maybe I don't always say the right thing. Maybe I sometimes lose myself.

It's all going to be alright.

Nothing is ever going to be perfect, or make complete sense, or work the way it "should." Life is still going to happen, and no amount of worrying I do is ever going to stop it. For now, I'm done worrying. I'm content to sit back and take care of the things I can while keeping a close eye on the things I can't. Whatever happens as a result of what I did in the past is going to happen. I have accepted that fact. I am fine with it.

I can breathe again.