Weekend of Bad Decisions

One would think that after all of the messes I've gotten myself into, I'd have learned to make decisions well, responsibly, reasonably...something of that sort. But I guess that's wrong. I guess I really haven't learned much of anything in the past several years. Maybe that's going to cost me something significant right now, in any number of ways, or maybe it's just going to pass by without causing too much of a disturbance. Either way though, it is what it is. I made the decisions I did, and I get to live with the consequences of them, the fallout, the problems they may cause.

So this weekend, I went camping. And it was fun. It was a lot of fun, in a number of different ways. I saw people I really missed, I got to spend time away from home, and I got to lounge around and just relax for a change. That was really, really nice. It's a break I needed, although it's far from how I envisioned this weekend would go...on a number of levels.

Unfortunately, I made a number of bad decisions in the process of that enjoyable trip. Some of those decisions are inevitably worse than others. For example, sleep-deprivation and mosquito bites, I can handle. On the other hand, I made certain decisions that have the potential to seriously mess something up, on a mental and emotional level, too. And those are the sorts of things I'm really worrying about right now. Being sleep-deprived really isn't helping, and I'm so confused, and have no idea what to make of any of it...

That's the hard part right now...wrapping my mind around what happened and what is going to happen in the future as a result. I understand that several of the decisions I made are far from intelligent or rational or anything desirable. But I also understand why I made them. And now, all that remains is for me to wait and see how to best work around whatever comes up as a result.

The strange part is that it still doesn't make sense to me. It seems so simple, and yet so complicated. The thing is, there are so many uncertainties and possibilities and unknown elements that I really just don't know. Which means that I can't plan anything out. I can look at hypothetical situation after hypothetical situation, assess them, analyze them, and play them out in every imaginable way...but that still doesn't tell me what is actually going to happen. And that leaves me confused and uncertain and afraid of what may go wrong.

But on the whole, I'm happy with how the weekend turned out. I'm satisfied with how it went and the fun I had. It's certainly not something that I could possibly forget anytime soon. Between the conversations and the moments and the confusion and the stars, from the sunlight to the water to the comfort to the random amusement, it was just great. I think that perhaps despite all of the bad decisions that were made, this weekend will have been worth it.

For the first time in a while, I'm happy again, if only temporarily and hesitantly so. In a way, this weekend reaffirmed my faith in myself. I'm still afraid of believing it, but I'm starting to accept it, to be able to work with it, to not just ignore it anymore. Maybe that's why I'm so calm right now. Maybe it's because this might all be worth it because of the fact that I'm coming back to myself, making sense of my life again, at least a little bit. I think I needed that.

I think that this weekend of bad decisions may regardless have been one of the best decisions I have made in a while. Or at least I certainly hope it was.