Tuesday

It's 7:52 am. It's a Tuesday morning. Every other Tuesday morning at 7:52 am, I would be out of here by now, on my way to the train station, getting ready for another day at work. And because I'm obviously writing this right now and it's not possible for me to have gotten to work yet, I'm clearly still at home. Still writing. I don't have much to say right now, certainly not anything that I should, under any circumstances, be writing for any reason, most definitely not on a blog.

So fine, here's what's on my mind. I'm scared. I don't like admitting to that. Especially not where people can read it. But I guess I'm just trying to avoid an explanation right now. I could barely move this morning...I've had stomachaches before, I've had nights of terrible sleep, I've dragged my ass to classes, work, and all other obligations under the vast majority of those circumstances. Yet here I am, sitting in front of my computer, clutching a pillow, instead of on my way to work.

It's been over a week since I've gotten a solid night of sleep. There hasn't been a single night when I haven't woken up at least three times, if not closer to seven. And there's definitely something wrong with that. I've also felt less than well in the gastrointestinal department for the past few days. But it hasn't been bad enough that I could get over it and drag myself to work. That's what worries me most.

I've never been the sort of person to use pain or other excuses to get out of things. I don't just call in sick on a whim. Which is why this is so frustrating. Ten minutes after I got up, I just realized that I was in too much pain to work today. This doesn't happen. This isn't supposed to happen. Something is obviously wrong, and I have absolutely no idea what.

I hate thinking about my health. It's one of those topics that I avoid as much as I can. And right now I can't avoid it, because now, this problem is getting in the way of my life. I feel generally, on the whole, unwell. I can't pinpoint exactly what hurts or how or anything. I just know that I'm in pain, and there's no really good reason for me to be, and I'm scared.

There's nothing I can say, no way to explain it...I'm just confused.