Salvation

I meant every word of that. I still do. And right now, if I could, I would get up, leave work, and drive three hours, just to give you a hug. I would've done it last night, too. Unfortunately, life doesn't quite work that way...and it's not possible for me to do that. Which is a terrible shame. Because I would give just about anything to not have had to go to bed last night, or better yet, to have held you then instead of staring at my computer screen.

You said, "It's moments like this when I almost start to believe [her]...about us being good for each other." Well, it's moments like this that I remember why. Sometimes, nothing compares to a hug. The past few days have been the equivalent of this "sometimes," I'm fairly certain. I've been thinking about this for a while, and haven't gotten around to writing about it until now...and I still don't think that anything I say can possibly do justice to the idea, but it's on my mind, so I'll put it down in words.

My status on AIM has been "...because once you realize that you're not going to save someone, then all you can do is love them" for just about two months now. And I don't want to change it, because I still think it fits...somewhat, at least. I was thinking of you when I first read that quote. But then you asked, "do I need saving?" I couldn't say yes to that...but I didn't say no. I still liked the quote though, so I left it, figuring the question was forgotten.

And then one day you said, "Thank you...because I'm starting to realize that sometimes loving someone and saving them are the same thing." I didn't know what to say to that. At all. So I settled for a more-or-less appropriate response and said "perhaps." The thing is, I still don't know what to make of that. I'm not sure what I think of the statement in general, and I'm not sure what I think of it given the context you said it in.

To top it all off, my status on Skype is now, "This is the correlation of salvation and love, don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart," quoting the song The Unwinding Cable Car by Anberlin. What is it lately with me and all of this about saving people and love? I don't know what to make of it. Is there a correlation? It would certainly appear to be the case. But then look at last night, look at the night before that, look a couple of months back...is that salvation? Can the torturous hell caused by love really be referred to as saving someone?

I'd really like to believe it does. I want to believe that this is good, that it's not just a path being paved straight into hell as it very well may be. But I'm afraid that it really is only one tempting mistake that's being made. Because this isn't right. And that applies to so many versions of that it's not even funny. I don't really know if any of it is working. If it was...would last night have been the way it was? Would it hurt this much?

I don't know. I'm sorry if I wrote too much. I'm also sorry if that made little to no sense. It sure as hell doesn't make sense to me, so I have no idea how I was hoping to explain it in words. I'm still trying to figure this out. I guess maybe sooner or later some of it will become clear...or maybe it won't. Either way, this is life, this is the decision I made. I don't regret any of it for even a moment.