Inevitable

I've been saying for months that this is the worst decision I could make. I said it before it was any more than the most remote possibility. I thought it when I was on the threshold of a mistake. I proclaimed it once more when I was walking through the door. I felt completely confident that this is the absolute worst choice.

And now I'm starting to wonder if it isn't the best. How can I say that about something that breaks me so thoroughly and completely? I don't know. I don't know why or how or when I made that decision. Maybe that's a lie. I told her once, "I couldn't. I knew I should have stopped it, but I absolutely could not. There was no way." Of course she didn't get it. There's a lot she doesn't get about me. But it shut her up. She couldn't argue with it.

I don't know that I could have possibly made the decision any other way. Every day, people give you all this nonsense about strength and how only you control your life, and how only you put yourself in the situation and direct your life. That's not really true. Sometimes things happen that we can't control...moments come up that we are incapable of changing, and we realize something that maybe we didn't want to admit.

I realized it a while ago. But that night it wasn't a hypothetical, there was no question of shouldn't or should. I couldn't do anything else. I guess it had all really been decided for months then...but I hadn't really known it for a fact until then. It really hit me then. And I still don't know if was good or bad. All I know is that something in me is set in stone, and I can't change it, and honestly, bad as it may be sometimes, I don't think I'd change it for anything.