Two Years

Two years ago now, I was about half a month away from moving away, leaving my old life behind, and starting afresh elsewhere. I'd struggled with depression for a couple of years by then. Some of my closest friends knew this. One of them, I was talking to shortly before leaving. And I told her one day, "When I get there, I'll give you the phone number of a psychologist. If I seem depressed, for my sake and yours, please call them."

I'm not sure why I said that. I'm not sure whether I really meant it or not. Either way, I didn't give her a number when I got there. But at that point, it didn't matter. I wasn't depressed. New things were happening, everything was novel, fresh, exciting. Living was good again. I was happy. Things were working out for once. So I told her this, and told her she didn't need to worry about it. We both thought I was fine at that point.

And at that point, maybe I was. But here I am, two years later. The depression sure as hell hasn't gotten better. If anything, it's gotten worse. I've learned to manage it, to deal with it. I've talked to a psychologist before, occasionally willingly, occasionally because there was concern for me floating around. I was never close to foolish action, I never posed a threat to myself or anyone else. I was still depressed, certainly, but I was managing it.

I have to wonder what changed in two years. Sure, a lot happened. And I mean a lot. The world around me changed. I changed. I stopped believing some things and started believing others. I began to live my life differently. For a while, I managed to keep the depression at bay. I was feeling fine, I was happy. I guess everything wears out after a while, though. So here I am. Apparently two years is sufficient time for this way of living to have worn out.

Either way, I'm depressed again. There's no denying that. I'm not entirely certain why, and I'm not entirely certain what to do with it. Or should I say about it? I don't know. I don't think it really matters. Maybe it changes everything. Or maybe it really changes nothing. I'm still living my life, I'm still doing things, learning things, accomplishing things. Hopefully that's good enough. And I guess it's just too damn bad if it's not.