Comparison

"There is neither happiness nor unhappiness in this world; there is only the comparison of one state with another. Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live. The sum of all human wisdom will be contained in these two words: Wait and Hope."
--Alexander Dumas

I wonder what I would have thought had I gone back through the things I have written down and hit upon that quote. As I was sitting there, depressed, broken, my limbs spilling over the arms and back of the chair and falling limply down, obeying only gravity...what thought would have entered my mind?

I know the ups and downs of life. I've been there, I've done that. I've ricocheted up and down at extraordinary rates and I've fallen apart and come back together without half a clue why. How's that for comparison? But how extreme are the extremes I've seen? Have I really been through hell or am I just exaggerating my experiences?

And in the end, the question has to be asked of whether the comparisons are even worth it, whether the highs make up for the lows, whether elation has the potential to override the consequences of depression. Is it worth it? Does it matter? I don't know. I don't have the answer to that. I'm still trying to find it for myself. Sometimes I believe it makes sense. Other times I realize that I haven't got a clue.

When I went to find a quote to write about this morning, this wasn't the one I thought of. I was looking for another one, and I know which. But I couldn't bring myself to write about it. I can't say anything with regards to it. I'm not hopeful enough to even believe it right now. Wait and Hope. That's how I get through life, hoping when I can, just waiting at other times.

Right now is one of those other times. It's one of those times when I'm too weak to hope, so I sit here and I wait. I wait for something to happen because it hurts too much to more. I'm waiting for something I can compare to this and appreciate. It'll come around sooner or later...or so I hope, at least.