Rash Words

I never meant it. Even when I said it, as I opened my mouth to say it, I knew full well that I would ask to take those words back. They were foolish and irrational and had nothing to do with anything. They were a pitiful excuse for anger, a pathetic attack at a kind sentiment that I wasn't in the mood to accept.

All of those stupid words, the miserable explanations, my failed attempts at explaining it away through a fearful apology. The cold of the blade and the heat of the tears, blending together and mingling in an attempt to take it all back, to take away the hurt and make those words cease to exist. I wanted to forget. I wanted to go back and never say those words. But it was too late. I knew it was too late when I opened my mouth to say them.

I never meant them. I never wanted to cause pain. Or maybe that's exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to feel something, to tear through layers of myself and understand something, anything. And I understood pain. I always knew that. I knew no less then, that the best way to cause myself pain was to see it elsewhere, and to have to live with the fact that I had inflicted it, had brought it out.

I was right. I cried until 2 that night. I didn't care who heard me or what they though, I cried. What else was I to do when no apology could make up for the mess I caused and no amount of persuasion could convince me that it wasn't my fault? Because it was my fault. I did it. I held up the metaphorical gun, and pulled the trigger when I let those words slip off my tongue. I knew what I was doing. That made it worse.

But that had been my intent after all, had it not? I wasn't foolish. I knew it all along. It didn't make it any less painful. It wasn't intended to. So I held myself for those hours in the dark and I wondered why. I wondered why it always came back to pain, why there seemed to be nothing without agony. I didn't know then. I still don't know now. But I did know those words were a mistake, and I knew no apologies could vanquish them from my mind. I'm left to live with them now, those words and their consequences, pervading every second of my life.