Permanence

It's almost 2 am. And I'm sitting here, wondering if it's really worth it to still be awake. I'm not talking to anyone. I'm not doing anything. I'm just sitting here, eyes glued to the screen. Part of me waiting, part of me reflecting, part of me slowly wilting away to fall into sleep again. But I'm still here. I'm still waiting even though I know full well the chances are slim. And in sitting here waiting, with my mind falling to bits before my eyes and my life swimming around me in pretty colors, some things are starting to make a bit more sense.

This isn't permanent. I know it's not. There is pretty much no way for it to be. It would likely take ridiculous sacrifice and end at a roadblock that could not be surpassed. Any effort put forth to extend this beyond a reasonable point would ultimately be wasted and end in pain and misery. So it's not going to last forever. It's not even really going to last for that long. And as much as I don't want to change how this makes me look at it all, in the end, it does change things. It doesn't change my thoughts or emotions, but it completely alters the context and forces me to reconsider what I had previously subconsciously assumed.

I really do wonder how it's going to unfold. And how I'm going to say goodbye. And how it's all going to fall apart. And how much I'm going to fight against the inevitable to try and stop it from falling apart. Because I've come to know myself. I've come to realize that when I want something that badly, I am going to fight for it and not let it slip away. Perhaps not even when I know that I just need to let it go. Some things really can't last forever. This is one of them.

I don't know that I like that idea. The romantic in me is outraged by my lack of faith. The cynic in me is mildly amused by how pathetic my thoughts are. But in the end, it's got to come to a halt; somewhere, somehow, sometime. I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to let go of it when it comes to that point. I'll have to let it go eventually, the current of life will sweep me away and pull me onward, no matter how hard I try to grasp at what will by then be in the past.

Being able to see things coming to an end...is it a blessing or a curse? Recognizing the transience of all of life, existence, even of eternity itself, it is quite a perspective to reconcile. Human nature is given to hope, to maintain faith in continued happiness and whatnot. And yet the opposite is much more often true. All good things have to end.

That doesn't make them any less enjoyable. And it certainly shouldn't tint our appreciation of them. Yet it seems as though perhaps a bit too often, I let myself do just that--forget what I am enjoying or why, and fixate on how it will inevitably break. That there is my loss. So fine then, maybe it will end. Maybe it won't work out or go on forever or be ideal. But I'm sure as hell going to enjoy it just as much as I can until the point when it does reach this conclusion. And I'm not going to worry about that conclusion until it gets there. I've messed things up before by worrying about messing them up. I'm not about to repeat that mistake.