Lashing Out

I'm sorry. I can't do anything right anymore. No matter what I try to do, I always manage to mess it all up and do it all wrong. Then I get to stand back, cursing myself, wanting nothing more than to undo what I just did, and watch it all continue to fall apart because of me, my failures, my flaws, my problems.

I don't know why I wanted to. I know even less of why the hell I didn't...But what I do know is that it gave me no reason to lash out, no excuse to throw common courtesy out the window and let my bitterness get the best of me. Yet of course, that's exactly what I did...again. And I can't keep doing this, because I'm going to destroy myself worse than anything or anyone else possibly could if I keep it up.

The thing is, it's not that I don't know why...I know perfectly well. I know why I'm bitter, depressed, why I give up, lash out. And I know that I've been fighting this for years and that I can't seem to shake it, no matter how hard I try. The powerlessness of it all makes it that much worse, considering how much pain it already causes...

Admittedly, I know I moved on and let it all go a while ago. I know I stopped letting it affect me...except that it was only half of the story. Because while the external portion of me can no longer be influenced by that as it once was, it's changed me...it's taken away my power and ability to make sense of anything, to do anything right. As much as I want to, I have absolutely no control over it; I can't make it better, I can't make it go away, and even fighting it hurts like hell.

I am depressed. I am broken. I don't know how to put the pieces back together. This is why I said that I need to figure out my own issues first, before I get involved in other people's. And of course we can see how well that one ended...because here I am, lashing out, breaking down, and doing just about everything wrong.

So I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm such a mess. I'm sorry that I can't get past this. I'm sorry that I can't do anything right. I'm sorry that in trying not to cause pain, I end up causing that much more. I'm sorry that I manage to mess up absolutely everything and anything. I'm sorry that I can't explain it all in a blog post. I'm sorry that it doesn't make sense. I'm sorry that I let it eat away at me to the point where I hit this stage. I'm sorry that I can't be better. I'm sorry that I can't fix anything. I'm sorry that all I can do is apologize. I'm sorry that it doesn't actually make up for anything. I'm sorry.