Courage

Some quote or other by one respected man or another (no, I'm not particularly concerned with who right now) says that courage isn't not being afraid, it's being afraid and doing it anyway. Yes, it is another one of those cheesy motivational quotes that people like to put on posters and use as little reminders. But they don't usually change much of anything, really...even when we promise ourselves that we'll go by it, we usually don't, whether it's because we're afraid or forgetful or don't want to mess up something good (or is that the same as being afraid? I don't know).

Alright then, fine. What is it that I'm so afraid of? Right now, I'm thinking of this particularly with respect to my writing. As I was walking down the corridor when I got to work this morning, I don't know how my mind got there, but I figured out that if I knew I was dying (and I don't mean standard passage of time, I mean terminal disease or suicide or something of that sort, and just to clarify, NO, I am not planning on any of those in the near future, thanks for asking), I'd leave a note to people I was close to with all of my passwords so that they could read all of the password-protected writing that litters the folders of my computer.

What's the question then, why does fear come into it at all? I guess the question is really this: if I'm going to leave my writing for people to read after my death, why do I not want them reading it while I'm alive? Hence, what am I afraid of? Am I afraid that it will change how people see me? Am I afraid that it will make it that much easier to hurt me (as if it's not easy enough already)? Am I afraid that it will be used against me? Sure, maybe even all of those. But why do I care? I tend to be the one professing that it doesn't matter how people see me. So why am I so afraid of people seeing the truth?

Total disclosure is...difficult, and complicated, and confusing. It's not necessarily the best thing, either. For one thing, I've always been of the sort who enjoy their privacy. That means having things to myself. And just myself. Additionally, it's a question of how things are going to affect the people who read them? There are many people who want to know as much as they can, about themselves, others, the world, anything...and I'll admit that I'm one of them. But I often wonder if it isn't better for certain things to just be kept private. For example, certain bitter judgments that make us unhappy but don't bother us enough to cause trouble for us or to treat those around us harshly. Is it significant if someone knows about them? Should they be shared?

And that's one of those reasons that I'm so hesitant about sharing my writing right now. Most of it isn't negative toward anybody, most of it doesn't reveal any particularly unexpected aspects of myself (or so I think, at least). But it's still something that I like to have that is personal, that is to be kept to myself. Certain things I share that I didn't write for anybody but myself, that I wrote knowing that they would not be read, and that happens on occasion, but I still have plenty of hidden truths that are kept private despite all of the sharing going on. In a way, my blog is much more revealing than I initially intended it to be. Or maybe it isn't. Maybe that was the whole purpose of this: to get more of my writing out, to have people actually reading my thoughts and the things that I'm not willing to just hand them.

There are several pieces of writing that I know certain people deserve to read, for one reason or another. But I'm still hesitant. And that just brings me back to the question of what am I afraid of? Am I afraid of judgment being passed on me by people whose opinions I really care about? Or is it that I am afraid of not knowing what those judgments are, not getting reactions to what I wrote when those must certainly exist? Most likely, my hesitance to share my writing is due in large part to both of these and possibly other concerns.

That said, there is a reason this post is titled Courage and not Privacy or Afraid or something along those lines. The fact remains, as I have mentioned, that there are pieces of writing that I have done that others have a right to read. I may not be very comfortable with this decision, but from a rational standpoint, I know that it is a good thing for me to share the writing with those people. With that in mind though, I want reactions...any and all reactions. The most private writing I've done is inevitably that which reveals my worst flaws, strangest habits of mind, biggest hang-up, concerns, fears. I want to hear all reactions so that I'm not afraid of what silent judgment may be passed over my head at that moment, I'd rather it out in the open where I can come to terms with it.